![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
fic advent: day sixteen
for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
starrymoons ♥
kai/sehun
pg, 1.8k words
au. "You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them."
starrymoons ♥kai/sehun
pg, 1.8k words
au. "You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them."
“That's my flight,” Jongin offers, and Sehun nods. They've barely spoken all morning, from the moment the alarm went off, the hurried breakfast, the long, silent car ride. It weighs on Jongin, settling heavy in his belly and pulling the lines of his shoulders tight.
This was supposed to be his big day. When he'd gotten that letter of acceptance that meant that he was going abroad to study dance, Jongin had been elated. This was his dream, what he'd spent every minute working towards for years, and it was finally happening.
Sehun, though, Sehun was less pleased. When Jongin shared the news, rushing into the kitchen with the envelope crushed between his fingers, he watched Sehun's face shut down, like shutters sliding down between his eyes. It brought him to a dead halt. “I'm happy for you,” Sehun had said, but his tone was flat and he wouldn't meet Jongin's eyes.
Four words, and Jongin deflated, his shoulders slumping. It was hard to hold on to his excitement when Sehun looked like the linoleum was more interesting than his future. “Thanks,” he replied, his hands falling to his side.
Maybe Jongin should've thought about this more. He knew that going to study overseas meant leaving, of course, but he hadn't really figured on leaving Sehun behind too. And as that concept hit him, sank in, Jongin understood why Sehun wouldn't look at him.
Since then, things have been strained at best, painful at worst. They were best friends long before this evolved into something more, something easy and right, but after Jongin's announcement, that was all gone. Sehun was closed off, climbing out of bed long before Jongin woke up, claiming studying for exams and extra shifts, and it meant a lot of lonely evenings for Jongin. When their paths did collide, Sehun held himself just out of Jongin's reach. Nothing was scarier than this wall that had slid up between them, painful in a way that Jongin was unequipped to handle. He'd always been so shitty with words.
Here, at the airport, it's no different. When Sehun had gotten up to get coffee, Jongin couldn't help but feel like the cup he'd brought back for him was more out of habit than anything. The quick jerk of his head in acknowledgement of Jongin's soft 'thank you' just cemented that, and despite the hot coffee in his hands, Jongin felt cold.
They sat together silently, waiting for Jongin's flight to board, and as every second ticked by, Jongin wrestled with himself. He wanted so badly to say something, but the words caught in his throat, stuck. How do you say 'I'm scared'? Or 'I already miss you and I haven't even left yet'? He was moving across the planet. He was leaving behind everyone and everything he knew, and that was huge and scary. The worst part was, the one person he cared about most, who knew him the best, was behind this wall that he didn't know how to get around. The airport was bustling with people but Jongin somehow still felt small and alone.
At least now, his flight was here. Jongin can't decide if he's relieved or terrified. “I guess this is it,” he says, and his voice is hoarse. He stands, grabbing his carry on, and turns to leave.
Sehun's hand on his elbow stops him and Jongin freezes, eyes wide. Sehun doesn't say anything, he just hauls Jongin in roughly and hugs him so tightly it's a bit hard to breathe. He doesn't mind, though. Jongin grips Sehun's waist with his free arm and burrows into the crook of Sehun's throat and inhales the scent of his shampoo. He can't imagine not waking up to this anymore. It's scary.
When they pull away from each other, neither of them say anything. There are a half dozen platitudes that Jongin supposes he could say, how he'll miss Sehun, he'll call every day. He doesn't bother. For the first time in weeks, Sehun look at him and manages a tight smile. It's not much, but Jongin memorizes it, stores it away. He wishes they weren't in the middle of so many people, because he wants to pull Sehun in, kiss him until they're both breathless, leave him with something to remember him by. Instead, he settles for smiling in return and squeezing Sehun's hand quickly.
On the plane, Jongin slides down in his seat, trying desperately to fall asleep. His nerves are back, and his excitement, but all he can think about is the little smile on Sehun's face and the empty space in his chest.
-
It's lonelier than he'd thought it would be. Jongin's English is mediocre at best, and it's hard to bridge that gap. The classes, as much as he loves them, are long and hard, and Jongin's danced for years but he still comes home every night bone weary and sore. His roommate is nice enough, but he's years older and he has his own friend group and isn't inclined to invite Jongin to join it.
Sometimes, he texts Sehun. None of it has any real substance. this teacher is such a hardass instead of i miss you so bad my teeth ache, i don't understand timezones instead of i never thought it would be this hard. Sehun is always slow to answer. Jongin can't figure out if it's the distance, a time delay, or if it's on purpose. He really doesn't want to dwell on that option. It makes it even harder to sleep, his phone clutched tight between his hand, silent.
Jongin knows that there are ways to maintain a relationship long distance. Texting is only one part. There's video calls and emails and all sorts of other little things, but he doesn't know how to bring it up. Jongin has always been stupid with emotions, and even if this is important to him, even if this matters, his courage just vanishes every time he picks up his phone.
It's Sehun who breaks their long silence. The phone call must be costing him a fortune. “I can't sleep,” Sehun says, and the phoneline crackles in Jongin's ear. “It's stupid.” Jongin presses the phone to his ear and wants to cry.
“Me either,” he mutters, voice thick. He's hiding out in the bathroom, and he knows he's been gone too long. His teacher is going to tear into him when he gets back. But he can't bring himself to hang up, not when he can hear the ragged pull of Sehun's breath over the line and it makes him feel like his heart is being dragged out of his chest. “I – ” Still, the words die in his throat, and he falls silent.
“Yeah, me too.” Jongin crumples, legs folded up to his chest and his face pressed to his knees. This is too hard. “Wait, what time is it? Shouldn't you be in class?” Sehun sighs, and Jongin can hear him shift. “Sorry, I never should've – go back to class, Jongin.”
Never enough time. Jongin doesn't even know how he'll make it through the rest of his day now, he feels like he had the breath knocked out of him. “Okay,” he says, even if he doesn't want to.
It still takes him a few minutes after Sehun has hung up to gather himself. He isn't crying, but it's pretty close. His eyes hurt and he can feel the start of a throbbing headache starting at the base of his skull. Staring down at his lap, Jongin wonders whether he's glad he's not the only one who feels like this, or just achingly sad.
-
It takes up pretty much all the rest of his savings, but Jongin flies home over the Christmas break. It's a gamble, an expensive one, but he's tired of feeling so hollow and lonely.
He makes Joonmyun promise not to tell Sehun he's coming. Maybe that's dumb, but everything feels so fragile. He doesn't want to press Sehun now just to have everything fall apart in his hands.
It doesn't matter, though. Joonmyun is a terrible brother. When he gets off the plane, eyes gummy after fourteen hours in the sky, it's not Joonmyun waiting for him. It's Sehun. Jongin would recognize his broad shoulders anyway. He's got his face tucked into his scarf, so Jongin can't see his expression.
After pausing, Jongin heads for him. “Hi,” he says, because he doesn't trust himself to say anything else. “You're not Joonmyun.”
Sehun shakes his head. “You came back,” he says.
With Sehun's face still flat like that, Jongin can't tell what that means. His fingers tighten around the handle of his suitcase and he swallows. “Yeah,” he says, hesitant. “I just – ”
Jongin watches, shocked, as Sehun's facade crumbles away. His eyes are wide and Jongin can see the muscle in his jaw working. “Did you come back for me?” he asks.
It would be easy, right now, to say no. To chicken out and pretend that there was another reason, he missed Joonmyun and Seoul. But Sehun's face is open to him for the first time in so long and Jongin can't. It's too hard to say out loud, so he just nods.
He isn't expecting Sehun's reaction. He grabs Jongin's bag out of his hands and abruptly turns and marches off towards the door, and it's all Jongin can do to keep up with him. The silence between them now is even more unbearable, and he's so fucking confused. Is this what he came back for?
Sehun carelessly tosses Jongin's suitcase into the backseat of his car, not even sparing Jongin a second glance as he skirts around the car and climbs into the front seat. Jongin stares at his hands, shifting in the cold winter air. Well, at least he has a ride home from the airport, he thinks.
As soon as he slides into the passenger side and closes the door, Sehun is on him. He grabs Jongin's collar and drags him forward until Jongin is uncomfortably stretched across the centre console. It's a small price to pay for the desperate press of Sehun's mouth and the borderline painful grip he has in Jongin's hair.
He melts into Sehun's lips, cupping his face in his hands as he pushed forward, almost climbing into Sehun's lap. “I'm sorry,” he mutters against Sehun's mouth, over and over again. “I'm so fucking sorry.”
Jongin likes how Sehun looks when he pulls away, flushed and wide-eyed and almost in awe, in a way that Jongin doesn't understand. “No,” Sehun says. “I'm sorry. You came back for me.”
“Of course,” Jongin says, bewildered, and Sehun laughs and kisses him again. It feels like the pieces falling back into place.
This was supposed to be his big day. When he'd gotten that letter of acceptance that meant that he was going abroad to study dance, Jongin had been elated. This was his dream, what he'd spent every minute working towards for years, and it was finally happening.
Sehun, though, Sehun was less pleased. When Jongin shared the news, rushing into the kitchen with the envelope crushed between his fingers, he watched Sehun's face shut down, like shutters sliding down between his eyes. It brought him to a dead halt. “I'm happy for you,” Sehun had said, but his tone was flat and he wouldn't meet Jongin's eyes.
Four words, and Jongin deflated, his shoulders slumping. It was hard to hold on to his excitement when Sehun looked like the linoleum was more interesting than his future. “Thanks,” he replied, his hands falling to his side.
Maybe Jongin should've thought about this more. He knew that going to study overseas meant leaving, of course, but he hadn't really figured on leaving Sehun behind too. And as that concept hit him, sank in, Jongin understood why Sehun wouldn't look at him.
Since then, things have been strained at best, painful at worst. They were best friends long before this evolved into something more, something easy and right, but after Jongin's announcement, that was all gone. Sehun was closed off, climbing out of bed long before Jongin woke up, claiming studying for exams and extra shifts, and it meant a lot of lonely evenings for Jongin. When their paths did collide, Sehun held himself just out of Jongin's reach. Nothing was scarier than this wall that had slid up between them, painful in a way that Jongin was unequipped to handle. He'd always been so shitty with words.
Here, at the airport, it's no different. When Sehun had gotten up to get coffee, Jongin couldn't help but feel like the cup he'd brought back for him was more out of habit than anything. The quick jerk of his head in acknowledgement of Jongin's soft 'thank you' just cemented that, and despite the hot coffee in his hands, Jongin felt cold.
They sat together silently, waiting for Jongin's flight to board, and as every second ticked by, Jongin wrestled with himself. He wanted so badly to say something, but the words caught in his throat, stuck. How do you say 'I'm scared'? Or 'I already miss you and I haven't even left yet'? He was moving across the planet. He was leaving behind everyone and everything he knew, and that was huge and scary. The worst part was, the one person he cared about most, who knew him the best, was behind this wall that he didn't know how to get around. The airport was bustling with people but Jongin somehow still felt small and alone.
At least now, his flight was here. Jongin can't decide if he's relieved or terrified. “I guess this is it,” he says, and his voice is hoarse. He stands, grabbing his carry on, and turns to leave.
Sehun's hand on his elbow stops him and Jongin freezes, eyes wide. Sehun doesn't say anything, he just hauls Jongin in roughly and hugs him so tightly it's a bit hard to breathe. He doesn't mind, though. Jongin grips Sehun's waist with his free arm and burrows into the crook of Sehun's throat and inhales the scent of his shampoo. He can't imagine not waking up to this anymore. It's scary.
When they pull away from each other, neither of them say anything. There are a half dozen platitudes that Jongin supposes he could say, how he'll miss Sehun, he'll call every day. He doesn't bother. For the first time in weeks, Sehun look at him and manages a tight smile. It's not much, but Jongin memorizes it, stores it away. He wishes they weren't in the middle of so many people, because he wants to pull Sehun in, kiss him until they're both breathless, leave him with something to remember him by. Instead, he settles for smiling in return and squeezing Sehun's hand quickly.
On the plane, Jongin slides down in his seat, trying desperately to fall asleep. His nerves are back, and his excitement, but all he can think about is the little smile on Sehun's face and the empty space in his chest.
-
It's lonelier than he'd thought it would be. Jongin's English is mediocre at best, and it's hard to bridge that gap. The classes, as much as he loves them, are long and hard, and Jongin's danced for years but he still comes home every night bone weary and sore. His roommate is nice enough, but he's years older and he has his own friend group and isn't inclined to invite Jongin to join it.
Sometimes, he texts Sehun. None of it has any real substance. this teacher is such a hardass instead of i miss you so bad my teeth ache, i don't understand timezones instead of i never thought it would be this hard. Sehun is always slow to answer. Jongin can't figure out if it's the distance, a time delay, or if it's on purpose. He really doesn't want to dwell on that option. It makes it even harder to sleep, his phone clutched tight between his hand, silent.
Jongin knows that there are ways to maintain a relationship long distance. Texting is only one part. There's video calls and emails and all sorts of other little things, but he doesn't know how to bring it up. Jongin has always been stupid with emotions, and even if this is important to him, even if this matters, his courage just vanishes every time he picks up his phone.
It's Sehun who breaks their long silence. The phone call must be costing him a fortune. “I can't sleep,” Sehun says, and the phoneline crackles in Jongin's ear. “It's stupid.” Jongin presses the phone to his ear and wants to cry.
“Me either,” he mutters, voice thick. He's hiding out in the bathroom, and he knows he's been gone too long. His teacher is going to tear into him when he gets back. But he can't bring himself to hang up, not when he can hear the ragged pull of Sehun's breath over the line and it makes him feel like his heart is being dragged out of his chest. “I – ” Still, the words die in his throat, and he falls silent.
“Yeah, me too.” Jongin crumples, legs folded up to his chest and his face pressed to his knees. This is too hard. “Wait, what time is it? Shouldn't you be in class?” Sehun sighs, and Jongin can hear him shift. “Sorry, I never should've – go back to class, Jongin.”
Never enough time. Jongin doesn't even know how he'll make it through the rest of his day now, he feels like he had the breath knocked out of him. “Okay,” he says, even if he doesn't want to.
It still takes him a few minutes after Sehun has hung up to gather himself. He isn't crying, but it's pretty close. His eyes hurt and he can feel the start of a throbbing headache starting at the base of his skull. Staring down at his lap, Jongin wonders whether he's glad he's not the only one who feels like this, or just achingly sad.
-
It takes up pretty much all the rest of his savings, but Jongin flies home over the Christmas break. It's a gamble, an expensive one, but he's tired of feeling so hollow and lonely.
He makes Joonmyun promise not to tell Sehun he's coming. Maybe that's dumb, but everything feels so fragile. He doesn't want to press Sehun now just to have everything fall apart in his hands.
It doesn't matter, though. Joonmyun is a terrible brother. When he gets off the plane, eyes gummy after fourteen hours in the sky, it's not Joonmyun waiting for him. It's Sehun. Jongin would recognize his broad shoulders anyway. He's got his face tucked into his scarf, so Jongin can't see his expression.
After pausing, Jongin heads for him. “Hi,” he says, because he doesn't trust himself to say anything else. “You're not Joonmyun.”
Sehun shakes his head. “You came back,” he says.
With Sehun's face still flat like that, Jongin can't tell what that means. His fingers tighten around the handle of his suitcase and he swallows. “Yeah,” he says, hesitant. “I just – ”
Jongin watches, shocked, as Sehun's facade crumbles away. His eyes are wide and Jongin can see the muscle in his jaw working. “Did you come back for me?” he asks.
It would be easy, right now, to say no. To chicken out and pretend that there was another reason, he missed Joonmyun and Seoul. But Sehun's face is open to him for the first time in so long and Jongin can't. It's too hard to say out loud, so he just nods.
He isn't expecting Sehun's reaction. He grabs Jongin's bag out of his hands and abruptly turns and marches off towards the door, and it's all Jongin can do to keep up with him. The silence between them now is even more unbearable, and he's so fucking confused. Is this what he came back for?
Sehun carelessly tosses Jongin's suitcase into the backseat of his car, not even sparing Jongin a second glance as he skirts around the car and climbs into the front seat. Jongin stares at his hands, shifting in the cold winter air. Well, at least he has a ride home from the airport, he thinks.
As soon as he slides into the passenger side and closes the door, Sehun is on him. He grabs Jongin's collar and drags him forward until Jongin is uncomfortably stretched across the centre console. It's a small price to pay for the desperate press of Sehun's mouth and the borderline painful grip he has in Jongin's hair.
He melts into Sehun's lips, cupping his face in his hands as he pushed forward, almost climbing into Sehun's lap. “I'm sorry,” he mutters against Sehun's mouth, over and over again. “I'm so fucking sorry.”
Jongin likes how Sehun looks when he pulls away, flushed and wide-eyed and almost in awe, in a way that Jongin doesn't understand. “No,” Sehun says. “I'm sorry. You came back for me.”
“Of course,” Jongin says, bewildered, and Sehun laughs and kisses him again. It feels like the pieces falling back into place.